First dates
Kinky First Date Ideas: Safe and Fun Ways to Meet Up
Where to meet, what to ask, a few light games and a plan for the day, all of it fit for a public table.
Meet somewhere public in daylight or early evening, keep the talk to curiosity and limits rather than acts, tell a friend your plan and save any scene for later. The South African Banking Risk Information Centre (SABRIC) also advises meeting in a public area, possibly with friends.
Where should a kinky first date happen?
A first date is for finding out whether you like each other, so choose a setting that does some of the work for you. Public, easy to leave and easy to talk in. Here are six that fit.
A weekend market
Browsing gives you something to look at and something to talk about, with people all around you.
A gallery or exhibition
Art gives you something to react to, and how someone reacts tells you plenty.
A waterfront or park walk
Daylight, open space and an obvious end point when the path runs out.
A coffee shop with a quiet corner
Easy to arrive at and easy to leave. Pick a table where you can hear each other.
An early-evening drink somewhere busy
Choose a place with other people in it and keep it short, so the evening ends when you decide it does.
A bookshop browse
What each of you picks up hints at what you are curious about, and nobody has to explain anything yet.
For local detail, read our pages on Johannesburg, Cape Town, Pretoria and Durban. Whichever setting you pick, tell someone you trust where you will be before you go.
Conversation
Twelve questions that get people talking
These are about curiosity, experience and limits, not acts. Ask one or two rather than all twelve, and answer your own question first: it keeps the date a conversation instead of an interview. You can also try a few in messages before you meet, which is what kinky chat is for.
- What made you join a site like this, and what were you hoping to find?
- How would you describe your experience: new, learning or well practised?
- What is something you are curious about but have not tried?
- What does a good evening with someone you trust look like?
- How do you like to be asked about something new: directly, slowly or in writing first?
- What does consent look like in practice, in your own words?
- Which words do you like and dislike when people talk about this?
- Is there a limit you are happy to say out loud on a first date?
- How do you like to be checked in on when something is new to you?
- What helps you afterwards when something has been intense, physically or emotionally?
- What would make you leave a conversation straight away?
- Are you hoping for something casual, a regular play partner or just good conversation to begin with?
Which light games work over coffee?
Games give nervous people something to do with their hands. All of these are non-explicit, and any of them can be dropped with a shrug.
Two truths and a kink
Each of you says three things about yourself, two true and one invented, with at least one touching on a taste or a curiosity. The other person guesses which is made up. You share a little and announce nothing.
Lead or follow
Swap would-you-rathers about ordinary roles: plan the evening or be handed the plan, order for both of you or let someone order for you, read the map or follow the driver. You learn who leans which way without a word about anything else.
Colour check
Borrow the traffic light from the scene. After any question, the other person answers green for happy to talk, yellow for gently please, or red for leave it. NCSF’s glossary describes red as stop and yellow as slow down or take a break, and partners agree their own meanings, so using it over coffee is practice for the real thing.
A code phrase
Agree a sentence either of you can use to end the date at once, with no questions and no hurt feelings. Think of it as a safe word for coffee.
A maybe-one-day list
Each of you privately writes down three things you might like to try one day, in general terms, then swaps. Only the ones the writer wants to discuss get discussed. It is a kinky bucket list with the brakes on.
A gentle dare
Ask the one question you would normally save for the third date. The other person can answer, answer halfway or pass, and passing counts.
Why is a first date not the place for a scene?
The American Counseling Association’s (ACA) practice brief for counsellors separates surface consent, the first “yes, I’m interested”, from scene consent. Scene consent means discussing and negotiating what will happen before, during and after, including how to withdraw consent and what aftercare looks like. A first date earns you the first kind. The second takes longer than a coffee.
The same brief calls communication the foremost important part of a good BDSM experience, and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) defines negotiation as agreeing potential play as equals before entering a scene. A first date is where you find out whether that kind of conversation comes easily with this person. Our guide to negotiating a scene is for the dates that follow, and finding a BDSM partner covers the stage before this one.
Your plan
What should your plan for the day look like?
SABRIC’s guidance on dating scams advises meeting in a public area and possibly with friends. NCSF’s glossary describes a safe call for meeting a new play partner privately: a phone call at a pre-arranged time to a pre-arranged person, with the police contacted if the call is not made. A first coffee is not a private meeting, but the habit travels well. This is the plan we suggest:
- Tell a friend who you are meeting, where and when.
- Arrange your own transport there and back.
- Agree an end time beforehand, so leaving is never awkward.
- Agree a check-in message for a set time, and what your friend should do if it does not arrive.
- Keep your surname, workplace and home address out of the conversation until you trust the person.
- Never send money to someone you only know from the internet, which SABRIC also advises.
The safety page lists the protections built into Kinky Singles, including a warning when someone tries to move the chat to another app. Read it before you arrange a first meeting, and keep the rest of our guides to hand for the dates that follow.
Kinky first date questions
Where should a first kinky date be?
Somewhere public, in daylight or early evening: a market, a gallery, a waterfront walk or a coffee shop. SABRIC advises meeting in a public area and possibly with friends. Keep the first meeting short and leave anything private for later, once you both want it.
What should we talk about on a first date?
Curiosity, experience and limits, in general terms. Ask how someone likes to be asked about new things, which words they like and what would make them leave a conversation. Specific acts can wait for messages, once you both want that conversation.
What is a safe call?
NCSF’s glossary describes a safety routine for a first private meeting with a new play partner: a phone call at an agreed time to an agreed person, and the police are contacted if it never comes. For a public first date, a check-in message to a friend works in the same spirit.
Do I have to tell a friend why I am meeting someone?
No. Share the plan, not the details: who you are meeting, where, when and when you will message. SABRIC advises meeting in a public area and possibly with friends, and a friend who knows your plan is the smallest version of that.
Start the conversation before the coffee
Message people who share your interests, talk about what you are curious about and choose a public place together.
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