Negotiation guide
BDSM Checklist and Negotiation: A List You Can Copy
What to cover before a scene, why alcohol gets in the way and a yes, no, maybe list you can copy and send.
Negotiation is the conversation before a scene where you agree, as equals, what will happen and what will not. Cover limits, a safe word, health, who does what and aftercare. A yes, no, maybe list helps you start. It is a record of a conversation, not a legal contract.
What does a negotiation actually cover?
The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) glossary defines negotiation as the talk in which two people agree, as equals, what potential play is on the table before a scene starts. The American Counseling Association (ACA) practice brief spells out what a scene needs, which it calls scene consent: working out together what happens beforehand, in the middle and afterwards, with a way to withdraw or change consent and a plan for aftercare.
- Before
- What is on, what is off and what is a maybe, plus the health and practical details only the two of you can fill in.
- During
- How you check in, which safe word or signal either of you can use and how anyone can change course.
- After
- Aftercare, agreed first. NCSF says it often includes touching base with your partner the next day.
- At any time
- The ACA treats consent as something either of you can withdraw or change at any moment, mid-scene included.
The list
Copy this yes, no, maybe list
A yes, no, maybe list is one of the simplest negotiating tools there is, and NCSF’s glossary points readers to example checklists. This one is our own, in plain words. Each of you ticks one box per line, on your own, then you swap. Yes means you would like it. No means it is a limit, which NCSF’s glossary describes as a boundary that is not up for negotiation. Maybe means ask me first.
| Topic | Yes | No | Maybe |
|---|---|---|---|
| Roles | |||
| Being in charge | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Following instructions | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Switching roles | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Restraint | |||
| Being restrained | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Restraining my partner | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Blindfolds | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Sensation | |||
| Spanking by hand | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Using an implement | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Marks that show later | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Words and names | |||
| Pet names and titles | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Praise | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Insults in play | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Privacy and photos | |||
| Photos or video | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Using real names | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Telling friends about us | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Health and safety | |||
| Old injuries to mention | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Medication to mention | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Allergies to mention | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| No alcohol before we play | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Contact and check-ins | |||
| Check-ins during a scene | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| A safe call to a friend | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Messages between meetings | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Aftercare | |||
| Cuddles or quiet time | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Food and water | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| Talking it through | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
| A message the next day | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ |
When you swap lists, a few ground rules keep it honest.
- A yes from both of you is a starting point, not a promise.
- A no from either of you is a no, and nobody has to explain it.
- A maybe from either of you means you talk first. Nothing happens on a maybe alone.
What consent needs
NCSF’s five-part consent test, in plain words
NCSF’s glossary sets out what it calls “explicit prior permission” for consent to kink. These are its five parts in our words.
-
Agree it before you begin
Verbal or written negotiation and agreement come before any kink or sexual act, not during it.
-
Name the force, restraint and threats, and how far
Say which forms are allowed and to what extent. NCSF adds that seriously injuring someone is not allowed even with their consent.
-
Pick the words or gestures that withdraw permission
That is your safe word or safe signal.
-
Say what refusal will be play-acted
If “no” or “stop” will be part of a roleplay, specify exactly which expressions of unwillingness will be performed.
-
Check that everyone is an adult and in a fit state to agree
NCSF’s wording is “of sound mind”, and it says that rules out being intoxicated or in subspace, among other things. It describes subspace as a trance-like state brought on by the body’s endorphins.
Topics to raise before you play
Healthline’s guide to impact play lists what partners should talk through first. It is written for impact play, but most of it works as a prompt for any scene.
- Words and names each of you likes
- What each of you has done before
- Which parts of the body are in play
- Which implements, if any
- Whether marks are welcome
- How easily each of you bruises
- Medical concerns
- Allergies
- Whether it will be sexual
Old injuries and medication are our additions, not Healthline’s. They are on the list above because a partner may need to know. If you are unsure whether something matters, ask a doctor.
Why alcohol and negotiation do not mix
NCSF’s fifth point asks everyone to be “of sound mind”, and being intoxicated is one of the states it rules out. A negotiation held over drinks is worth little. Have the conversation sober and agree your alcohol rule for the scene in advance. South African sexual offences law has its own wording on judgement affected by alcohol or other substances, which our guide to BDSM law in South Africa sets out.
Contracts, rules and what they are worth
A dominant and a submissive may also write their agreement down as a contract. NCSF’s glossary describes that as a written agreement made after negotiating as equals, and says it is not legally binding. Its value is the conversation it forces. If you are after the rules of BDSM, the ACA brief names Safe, Sane and Consensual and Risk Aware Consensual Kink as the two frameworks cited most often, and notes that many people have dropped “sane” because it can stigmatise people with mental illness. Both are community frameworks, not legal tests.
A written agreement is not a shield. It is not legally binding, and NCSF says nobody may seriously injure another person even with their consent. Treat the list as a record of a conversation, and ask a South African lawyer about anything legal.
Once you have your list, kinky chat on Kinky Singles lets you compare it in private messages before you meet, and our guides cover the basics if you want them first. This guide is general information, not medical or legal advice. For your health, ask a doctor. For a counsellor who treats BDSM as part of the normal range of sexual expression, try NCSF’s Kink Aware Professionals directory. For the law, speak to a South African lawyer.
Checklist and negotiation questions
What is a BDSM checklist?
A list of activities and topics that each person marks for themselves, so you know where you agree before you start. A yes, no, maybe list is the simplest kind. It starts the conversation, and it does not replace asking again once a scene is under way.
Do I need a BDSM contract?
Writing one is a choice. NCSF’s glossary says a written agreement between a dominant and a submissive is not legally binding, so use it to record what you agreed, expect to revisit it, and never treat it as legal protection.
Can I change my mind after ticking yes?
Yes. The ACA practice brief says consent is given before and throughout a scene and can be withdrawn or changed at any point. A tick is where the conversation starts. Move a yes to a maybe or a no whenever you like, in the scene or out of it.
Can we negotiate after a drink?
It is better not to. NCSF’s consent test asks everyone to be “of sound mind”, which it explains as not being intoxicated or in subspace, among other things. Hold the conversation sober, and agree an alcohol rule for the scene itself while you are both clear-headed.
Have the talk before the first meeting
Message in private, swap your lists and meet only when you both know what is on and what is off.
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